The girl-magnet shirt

There once was a Chair named Bert,
Who seemed rather hurt,
His wifi enabled bottom all ablaze,
Hemmoroids had left him in a daze,
At least at RIPE63 he got the shirt.

This is a contribution by Mr.T. (who’s name is obfuscated because he seems to have misunderstood that rhythm is an important aspect in addition to the rhyme.)